


The Long Fall

by eccorando



Series: The Long Fall [1]
Category: Night In The Woods (Video Game)
Genre: Depression, Dissociation, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Guilt, M/M, Self-Hatred, possible triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-08-13 07:31:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20170513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eccorando/pseuds/eccorando
Summary: Painful memories from Mae's torment at college catch up to her as she struggles to cope with her entire world crashing down on her...(Revisit for editing is completed. This work is to it's full completion - 24 Sept 2019)





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I absolutely adore this game and I have every intention to exhaust this fandom down to every last idea I have - Even those ideas ;) - I have the complete opposite of a writer's block, I hope they'll be more works.
> 
> Disclamer: I do not, in any form of comprehension, fully understand the mental health issues any of these characters may have, henceforth, I give my apologies to anyone who may have been offended and/or saddened by any type of failure to accurately recreate these issues.
> 
> -EcR-

That goddamn statue. _Pointing_ at her, _glaring_ at her,_ judging_ her. It was always there mocking her monstrous existence; a constant reminder of what she always believed she was. Nothing. Nothing but a screw up who couldn't even handle listening to some professor across a room and writing the words pouring out his mouth without silently bursting into tears for at least a second! And there was that random hunk of rusting metal towering the tiny cat in the middle of this hell-hole. Her paws clutched to her books tighter, yet again, overwhelmed by the raw fear and pain from those rustic piercing eyes whilst she resisted the constant urge to let her eyes water.

"C'mon Mae, just stop looking at it..." Her thoughts hummed across her scattered head only managing to stare at it deeper, "God, no, just stop - please."

Her vision crumbled into blocks dissolving and reforming into **shapes. **Releasing the books from her grasp she latched onto her eyes and pressure built in her lungs, panic rising as fast as it usually did. Her breathing became rapid and legs becoming weaker as she began to sway on the spot. "Stopstopstopstopstop." Mae begged herself to just be normal for once as she swiped at her fallen books and bolted across the campus for her dorm, not wasting any time for people to (obviously) stare at her. She always felt them, but she never wanted this attention all pointed at her when she was like ... this.

It fuelled her intense need to seek some soothing solace that the dark cat now knew she very much needed. She barged into the door, fiddling with the keys as she desperately tried to yank the door, giving a few meek pulls before heading in. Mae rushed in, slamming the large door behind her, knowing all too well, that, once more, she let herself succumb to the deep void that was her shattered mind. Paws still placed on the door, Mae, finally unable to keep whatever was left of 'herself' together, released a rapid stream of searing tears. Closing herself on her body she slowly dropped to her knees, resting her head upon the wooden door; the wood darkening where tears connected.

Why was she so broken? She hated the fact that even after all the relentless therapy with good ol' Doctor Hank, she continuously failed to live her life the way she wanted to. She wanted to cope with her fucked-up brain. She wanted to complete college. She wanted to return home with a degree in her paw and be proud that she became something of herself. _You're the first Borowski to go to college _\- Her mother's distant voice echoed in her head. She was such a disappointment. She couldn't stand to think about the look on her parent's face if they saw her wasting all the time and effort after her ... incident to get her here. It angered her. She hated how she never, in her whole life, didn't feel her parents took pride in their, unfortunately, only daughter, but who could blame them. If Mae had a let-down of a daughter like herself she would regret having the damn thing in the first place.

God, she was so alone. She missed home, even if home felt lonely too. She pictured Gregg and Angus, her room, her old school, the trains. The dark cat spiraled down her thoughts as she reminisced about her former home only forcing her to completely collapse to the ground curling her legs up to her shaking chest; sobbing harder. Mae betted nobody missed her at all. Parents probably glad they don't have to care for such a freak, Gregg off living his life with Angus, probably forgotten all about Mae ... Geez, was that all the people she knew? God, nobody would actually miss Mae at all.

Mae wiped her eyes and glanced at the nearest clock: 4 in the afternoon. She didn't have any classes for a few days now. That relieved her a small bit.

After summoning what courage Mae had she placed a paw on the ground and lifted herself from the cold floor and sat on her bed only to just stare at the floor, not noticing her tears still running down her matted fur. She'd been contemplating whether she should go home, but that would mean abandoning all the plans her family had tried so hard to make. However, Mae was aware that she was getting fuck-all done, she was so tired of eating pizza every night, or no food at all. So damned tired of ... Mae's red and puffy eyes peered at the dark brown bottle, just barely visible through the luminous crack between the bathroom door. Mae, having already decided what she must do, got up and trudged to the bathroom and stretched onto her toes, swiping in order to get a paw onto the bottle. She brought the bottle down to her face and read "Cortex: Cough Syrup" It was half empty.

She moved her attention to the item next to the bottle. A neat and thin box that now occupied her other paw as she placed the bottle onto the sink. Mae slid the contents from the side and pushed out a single pill and place her fingers on both ends and began to apply force - She stopped though and stared at the pill with intent - The dark cat placed the pill onto the sink counter and proceeded to push out another pill from its casing. Geez was she really doing this again? She needed comfort and bliss, right? Her already decimated red eyes began to water one more time. She needed to escape for a while. Just a while. Having all the items necessary in her possession, she journeyed back through her barren room, flopping onto the floor before reaching the comfort of the bed. She crawled until she could rest her head on the foot of the bed.

She couldn't believe she was doing this again. She was gonna die if she kept this up. College was killing her. Maybe this was why her parents convinced her college was sooo good, not only were they getting rid of her, they were getting rid of her _permanently. _"No! God's sake Mae you're parents love you, you asshole!" The cat slammed her thoughts with a firm slap to her face, generating more tears. The pain intensified. She howled at the pain she inflicted, not hesitating to just crack the bottle open and cup the pills in her paw and get this over with. The pills flew into her mouth and she brought the bottle to her mouth, lapping away at the purple syrup and it cascaded over her tongue and burned her throat.

Her arm lifted the bottle higher and higher, accompanied with her head tilting further and further back. A few sudden sobs caused the purple syrup to escape the corners of her mouth. She was such a mess. A mess of broken worthless dreams. She should just realise that she's going nowhere here and that her time here was for absolutely nothing at all and coming to an end. The effects were almost instant as she caught the last drop onto her tongue. She felt her vision blur and duplicate, her previously destroyed mind became woozy, limbs becoming limp and she let the bottle roll from her lethargic grasp across the room.

Geez, she was such a pathetic fucking excuse of a mess. The tears finally stopped and breathing relaxed into a comfortable rhythm. Her eyes closing and mouth agape, taking in air. She pictured everything she loved back home as she drifted to her artificial sleep: Her best friend, her parents, her home ... and she pictured something else? A happy and gleaming teal crocodile sitting in the middle of a classroom receiving a paper from their teacher; clearly happy with what was written on it. She pictured this crocodile showing the piece of paper to Angus. She was smiling. Isn't that Bea?

She had to go home. There was no way she could endure another agonising day stuck in this god-forsaken place. With her home in mind, she fell into the black abyss as sleep consumed her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found that writing about NitW whilst listening to the soundtrack really helps. This is also my first time writing a proper story (GCSE doesn't count) so feel free to criticise anything like: pacing, structure, shit like that. Also if you end up enjoying my work then I will try my best to continue the story. I know it can be frustrating to wait for a new chapter, especially when hiatus's last several months and I'd hate to make you wait if you really enjoy any works I write in the future. Thanks a bunch! 
> 
> -EcR-


	2. Worthless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've always wondered where Mae put her journal so if you've played Uncharted 4 you would know that Nathan Drake keeps his journal in a little pocket belt thing (great description I know) so just imagine Mae has one of those too.
> 
> -EcR-

The sound of trains storming past filled the room with a light shake. Mae awoke with a gasp, fear contorting her expression. She instantly lifted herself from the bed as she observed her surroundings: She laid on a familiar futon with a lamp right behind her; also noticing a pink bass guitar at the end of the room. She turned towards the circular window and saw a snow-covered street with the Harleys launching snowballs at each other. Oh, thank God, she was just in her room ... Geez, why the hell did she dream that?

Within the comfort of her room, her heavy breathing starting to ease as she slowly stabilised herself. She saw herself in the mirror; deciding on the word she'd describe herself with for today. Yup. She decided "trash" would be appropriate. With a quick sigh, she reached across the futon for her boots, struggling to slip them on. Mae lifted the screen on her computer, a small smile appearing on her face as she saw chat icons floating above her friend's avatars.

_ **-Hey Mae, at the Pickaxe right now but I'll have the rest of the day off. I'll let you know where I am.-** _

_ **-At home, if you wanna come over-** _

Mae felt a little better knowing that somebody actually wants to see her today. She doesn't know how she ever managed to get Beatrice Santello to even be her friend. Mae did not deserve a friend like Bea, she was so kind, caring, funny and just a good person underneath her icy exterior. Mae didn't get how Bea could stand someone like Mae or become friends again for that matter. The dumb klutz, Mae, literally left her behind when she needed her. She felt so guilty knowing Bea endured all that without her and that guilt constantly has a presence when Mae was with Bea. She could've helped. She should've helped like stay in touch, at least. Mae didn't even think she said anything to her when Bea's mom died. She even forgot about her Mom! God, she felt like one helluva jerk. Mae never really thought about why she stopped talking to Bea back in 8th Grade. Being honest, she really had no damn reason whatsoever, Mae just discarded her out of her life with no remorse - and, God, that guilt hurt her. So damn much.

_ **-Also, I don't know if you haven't realised but its cold out. Wear a jacket, Mae. Don't want you freezing again.-** _

Bea's infamous sarcasm was truly a feat to behold. One of her best features in Mae's opinion, although she did make a mental note to maybe put on a jacket. Despite how strong their friendship may be, Mae always had a sense of lingering loneliness since her incident. She never felt that anyone should support her after what she did. She relentlessly beat some random guy with a bat, just being unable to stop. She just kept hitting and hitting and hitting and --

Those memories will forever be scarred on her brain. His blood always staining her paws.

Mae never let anyone, or herself, forgive her and she felt totally different to others all the time, no matter what. And that made it impossible for her to connect to people, always scared if she'll somehow mess everything up.

She always did.

Sometimes, Mae thought that people just didn't like her in general, a thought that never left her. Especially in college. Barely talked to anyone and not a single friend. Completely alone.

Mae turned her attention to the next chat icon.

** _-HEyyyyy Boyoooooooo!!! Did u freeze last night? Hope ur okaay!-_ **

_ **-Bea said she got the day off so me and Cap'n are gonna visit before we check out bright harbour, make sure everything's still there ready!-** _

The fact that Gregg and Angus were leaving didn't make Mae feel better, it only just made that hole in her chest larger. But she should be happy for them, they're finally leaving Possum Springs! Going to bigger and greater things in life ... Yet she couldn't help herself feel envious of their slightly easier life, and she knew that was wrong, of course it was! But she'll never be able to find anyone who could love this piece of trash let alone leave Possum Springs. She was tethered to this dying town forever.

Mae had to stop these trains of thought before she would dissociate or something. She grabbed her journal and open it on a random page: "RIP Casey ♡" She lightly traced the page with her paw. Mae then swiftly flipped over to a blank space and started drawing the events of last night: Mae falling into a nearly frozen lake with Bea, Gregg, and Angus helping her out whilst laughing. Another wry smile stretched on her face on remembering the memory. She wished she could have these moments forever, but of course, she won’t, and she wanted to accept that and move on; always expecting the worst for herself.

Clapping both ends of the journal together she placed it back into her pocket and opened the door to the stairs.

She passed that family photo on the way down making sure not to miss it. They always looked so happy in that photo, as if life was great and normal. Yet another reminder of how hard she truly messed things up.

"Sup, bird?" Mae gave an ironic two-finger-salute to her Dad's pet bird on her way down the stairs. “Mae? Sweetie, why don’t you come and say hi?” Mae’s Mom was casually sitting in the kitchen, as she usually is, reading a blue leather book.

“Watcha reading, Mommers?” Mae enquired launching up onto the kitchen counter.

“The Great Gatsby, Dotters. A real page-turner, I think you’ll like it.” The book sounded familiar to Mae, “Isn’t that the book about some rich dude trying to impress some girl he knew but then dies?”

Candy looked up in thought “Uh, I guess it is sweetie”

”I guess I’ll get ‘round to it.”

”What’re you up to today? Real cold out there hon.”

Mae fidgeted with her paws for a moment “Um, I think I’m gonna head round to Bea’s, Gregg and Angus are there too.”

Candy formed a curious expression deciding to ask more “Oh? What for?”

”Eh, just hanging; they’re visiting Bright Harbour for a few days soon so I guess it’s like a goodbye?” 

“Mmmmhmm, Okay honey, well make sure you come back dry this time, hm? You could've died. Again.”

Mae looked down in embarrassment “Heh Heh. I know, don't worry,”

”Well, I do. Love you.”

”Love you, too, Mom.”

Mae grabbed a thick black jacket from the coat hanger by the door and slipped it over her arms, feeling her own radiating warmth. But as soon as Mae entered the brisk air, her jacket did nothing, as it pierced her skin immediately, “Holy goddamn shit it’s effin cold”

Mae noticed a small body in the corner of her eye. Oh my God, it’s a Harley “... Uh, I mean, uuh, brrr?” The small bird gazed blankly and ‘naruto ran’ in the opposite direction. The dark cat raised an eyebrow at the strange antics, "Wonder if I was that weird when I was a kid,"

Mae continued to stroll through the street, snow giving a satisfying crunch beneath her boots. With her slow pace, her mind began to whirl again, her memoirs from college buzzing round and bouncing everywhere. She really sunk low at college now Mae looked back on it. She undoubtedly was just as isolated and useless as she remembered. She had her friends back, she was back home and everything seemed fine but she still felt as if she was back in her dorm, just suffocating under all of it, begging for ... something to release her. But she didn't know what from.

The dark cat placed her paws inside her pockets and breathed a visible sigh. She didn't understand herself sometimes - like it couldn't have been that hard, how the hell did she end up like such a wreck?

Mae's parents don't show it, but she could get a good idea of what they actually thought of Mae's homecoming. She could sense the disappointment and frustration from them and she felt so damn sorry that she couldn't do anything they wanted right. No amount of apologies would ever fix what a true screw-up she was. How was she going to live with herself in the future?

The thought of living more days in her life the way she was ruffled an unprecedented fear she never felt before, it tore right through her body. Soon everything she knows will perish in some way. Her friends will all leave eventually, her parents won't be with her anymore one day, Possum Springs will be reduced to abandoned houses. Did she genuinely deserve those anyways? She would have nothing to live for.

On the bright side, at least she couldn't ruin others and her own life anymore. Mae sniffled. She didn't know if it was the cold or if she was ... No, no, not today. Mae couldn't be bothered to cry today. She was gonna visit her friends, hang out and go home.

It's a good thing that Underhill was right across Maple Street otherwise Mae would've literally died. When winter comes to Possum Springs, boy, does it come; she was already chattering her teeth. Mae jogged up the stairs and heaved at the large wooden door, feeling the warm air rush in front of her, and beginning to make her way up another flight of stairs. The unmistakable chattering of Gregg's shrill voice echoed through the halls. "Yeah! Did she not say? She broke it with sooooo much porn!" Mae lifted a paw to her face, cringing with embarrassment. God, Gregg, why?

Mae knocked onto the door. "It's Mae!" Without another second passed, the door swung open and an orange figure latched onto Mae with a pressing hug. "Heh heh, it's nice to see you too, dude" Gregg released his grip and allowed her into Bea's small, yet cozy apartment. Mae saw Angus sitting on the couch at the end of the room and Bea behind the kitchen counter with a plate of golden tacos.

"Hey Mae, d'you want any?" Mae continued past Bea and set herself on the couch opposite to Angus, slightly ignoring the question. "Um, nah, had food at home." She lied. She didn't feel like eating today. Bea expressed her confusion for a second but shrugged it off for now. The teal crocodile definitely noticed something may be wrong, however, she thought best to pursue it later.

"Thanks for inviting us, Bea. I know you don't like the company here so it means a lot to Gregg and I." Angus delivered with his habitual politeness. Gregg, back laying against his boyfriend's chest, hummed in agreement, "Yeah, thanks dude." Mae, feeling fairly uninvolved, also thanked Bea. 

Mae felt the coach on her right side dip a bit as Bea sat down next to her, "You don't need to thank me, Mae. You're always welcome here." Bea friendly informed her in a more enclosed distance, causing Mae to slightly blush.

"Really?" Bea gave a nod of her head. "Thanks." Mae smiled warmly, before returning to the conversation as a whole.

"Soooo, you two certain you going to move?" Mae asked, reluctance dripping in her voice.

"Um, yeah, we're gonna confirm with some guys that the apartment we're getting is ours," Gregg sat up gesturing his paws as he spoke, "Oh! You should see it, Mae, it's perfect, it's got a nice kitchen and the walls don't smell, it's nice and open," Mae sat there nodding, taking in how certain he was that he was leaving. Gregg once again leaned up close to Angus staring sultrily into his eyes "And that bedroom will do wonders for us" An awkward silence fell upon the space, Angus blushing intensely whilst returning a look similar to Gregg's.

"Well, I'm very happy for you guys." Bea broke the silence, returning the conversation to a normal atmosphere. "So what are we doing exactly?" The dark cat questioned. "Well, we were going to go to one of our favourite spots down by the lake, but I guess you guys are coming too" Gregg revealed. "You mean in that park? You know I nearly died there yesterday?" Gregg chuckled at the opportunity that was given to him, "Too bad you didn't freeze to death."

Mae accepted his challenge and retaliated "Too bad you didn't slip on the ice and get concussed."

"Too bad you didn't drown in the water."

"Too bad you didn't get trapped underneath the ice"

"God, I'm gonna miss you."

Bea glanced between Angus then to both the eccentric fox and cat, "So are you two done?" Gregg was the first to speak up, "Hell yeah! Let's get outta here!"

***

The four exited the back of the apartment complex into a desolate and barren garden with a dull stone pathway through the middle, all of it basically chilled and dead. Light flurries floated onto Mae's black fur as the icy wind penetrated her, mostly useless, jacket. Mae loved winter but couldn't stand the cold, which was ironic cause the cold is the best part of winter. The four, Angus and Gregg ahead of Bea and Mae, walked and talked, taking in the scenery. Mae always saw some beauty in the way winter made everything look, like, how all colours were drained from the world yet it made the world seem more interesting. Like when Mae see's a thick winter forest, it's all dead and barren, like something's happened and she wonders what's in there, but with a lush green forest its like some pretty face people look at without much thought other than: _Hm thats cool_.

Mae's pretty sure she's losing her train of thought now. Mae rolled back her memories to yesterday when she fell in the lake. It's only now she realises how lucky she wasn't further into the lake, otherwise Bea would not have gotten her out. She's nearly died quite a couple times the last few months, huh? College, getting shot at, almost thrown down a hole, nearly dragged into an elevator of death and now drowning or freezing to death. And every time she had some sort of way of nearly bringing death upon herself.

Was the universe trying to tell her something?

The laughs of her friends echoed around her ears as she paid more attention to her surroundings, completely transfixed.

She sensed something shaking her shoulder, bringing her back to reality, "You've been quiet, what's up?" Mae tried desperately to conjure an answer to deflect Bea's unexpected question, "Um, nothing, nothing, just enjoying the view..." Which was true in a way, but did she have to sound so unconvincing? Bea raised an her eyebrow, clearly knowing there was more. Her just peering down on the small cat was enough to pressure a proper response, "Uh, I'm, um..." Mae's mind, however, was racing, unwilling to reveal that she was thinking of her troubled past, her grim future and numb present. Mae lost the crocodile's waiting eyes and, instead, watched her boots dent the snow beneath her, "I'm just not having a good day..." It was barely a whisper, but enough for Bea to hear.

She continued to look at the dark cat, but as she didn't turn towards her, it was clear to Bea that Mae wasn't in the mood.

"AaaaAAaagh! Were here!" Gregg practically squealed, running of with Angus towards the lake. Mae lightly chuckled at Gregg eccentric nature. She was glad that Gregg was having one of his good days. She didn't care that she was having a bad day, as long as everyone else was happy. She guessed that makes all she was going through a little more worth it; for it to be at her expense.

Mae saw Bea head towards the shore of the lake, grabbing a flat rock in her claw and flung her arm with such precision, releasing the rock as it skipped one, two, three, four, five times across the lake. "Damn, Bea-Bea, nice throw!" Mae walked up next to her, observing the claw that delivered such a perfect throw. Bea smiled "Heh, thanks" Mae picked up a jagged rock of her own, "Lemme try," She chucked the rock, attempting to recreate what she saw. The rock only skipped once. Mae's arms drooped in defeat, "Goddamn it." 

"At least you skipped it. It's not bad for a first go, pretty good actually."

"Bea, did you not see how shit that was?" Mae laughed at herself, mentally hitting herself.

"Go again, who knows?" Bea urged.

"Nah, probably will just screw it up..."

Mae turned around and saw that Gregg and Angus were nowhere in sight. "Where're the guys?" Bea snorted, "Did you not see how Gregg was acting? He was so begging for it. I'm sure where ever they are, they're enjoying themselves." Bea placed herself on a surprisingly dry wooden bench, who was soon joined by Mae. "So you think they wont last? They seem so perfect for each other, they're so cute."

"Ha, yeah, I won't deny they're good together, but I'm worried how they'll handle Bright Harbour, 'cause it sure isn't Possum Springs."

Mae didn't follow. "What do you mean?"

Bea could only release a heavy sigh "I mean, it wont be each other who will cause them splitting, but like something they can't control, like money or work stress."

"Oh"

Bea sounded so knowledgable, so aware of her own life, like she knew where it was going, even if it wasn't the best path. She seemed like she knew how to handle it. Mae wondered why someone like Bea hasn't, at best, found someone she liked. "So Bea?" The teal crocodile only responded with a hum. "How come you never got with anyone? You're smart, pretty and cool."

Bea did not expect the dark cat to bring up this subject, "What?"

Mae instantly regretted asking, her expression becoming uneasy, "Sorry, that was stupid"

"Huh? Oh, no, it's okay," Bea thought carefully about what she was going to say next, "I guess I never really had the time for it? I was so caught up in school that I never made the time for relationships. Even after my Mom died, I was stuck at the Pickaxe every day and I didn't want to see anybody then." As if on some cruel cue, the wind's harsh breeze picked up, producing a soft howl. Mae's guilt began to simmer from hearing more of Bea's time after her mother passed. "What about that guy at, what was it? Math camp?"

"Ugh, geez, Mae, that guy was literally a one night stand. Never saw him again." Bea pulled out a 'dud' cigarette from her black jacket pocket and placed it in her mouth, "How 'bout you, I know you and Cole were a thing, but what about college? Meet anyone there?"

Mae glanced back into her lonely days crying in her dorm all the time, knowing damn well she met absolutely nobody. "No," Mae started to play with her paws awkwardly "...Never did." The wind carried the remnants of the conversation away. Mae began to shiver intensely, unable to withstand the cold anymore. Bea looked down on the dark cat with a pitiful expression and extended an arm out to her back and pulled her into a warm embrace, "Um, Bea?" Mae couldn't help but snuggle against Bea, hoping that she was fine with it. "Maeday, it's okay." They remained like that for a precious moment until Bea spoke up again.

"You know, you've never told me much about college. What exactly made you come home?" Bea, knew she was treading on thin ice and was very careful in her speech. Bea couldn't see how Mae reacted though, but having not gotten the dark cat to speak, Bea should probably let it go. However, Mae did begin to speak and Bea didn't dare interrupt.

"Um, geez, well college wasn't what I hoped it was. Guess I didn't really know what I was expecting, but as soon as I stepped of the bus and into the campus, I knew everything was wrong. I got to my dorm and it just didn't feel like home. My roommate hated me, I probably was annoying. Anyways, everyday when I went to sleep, I could feel this gaping hole in the center of my chest, like, growing larger, crumbling apart ... Then one day, when I finished one of my lectures, I went onto campus to, like, try and find someone to talk to ... but nobody, not a single person would. And I tried so hard, so fucking hard and I was so angry all the time that I couldn't talk to anyone and - I saw this statue, the founder or something? And he-"

Mae choked on a painful sob, trying to continue what she was saying, only finding the confidence with Bea's comfort. "He looked down on me and he had this hatred and disappointment in his eyes and that just broke me. Way more than I already am. It finally made realise what I truly am: A nobody with no future, no friends, nothing to live for. And that tore me apart; like there was nothing in me. Empty...” Mae briefly wiped her eyes, desperately failing to cling to that promise she made, "And I started seeing those shapes again. Everywhere. They were everywhere I went and everywhere I saw and I-I-I-I just couldn't stand seeing them anymore. I wanted it to stop so damn much. But nothing would work so I just downed cough syrup all the time just to pass the days, hoping it would all end one day. A day where I fall asleep and - and - and never wake up again. I thought coming home would solve everything, but I just can't escape this. I-I feel like such a fucking failure; so worthless. So useless and empty and so scared." Mae broke down into an uncontrollable sob, burying her face into Bea's jacket. “And it hurts, Bea.” She was barely understandable through her staggered sobs, “Oh, God, it hurts, Bea.”

"Jesus Christ, Mae" Bea never knew just how traumatising college was for her, she wished she could take back everything she said to Mae. But Mae was beside herself, her mind unable to cope with the tear ripping her brain in half. "I'm so sorry." Bea didn't understand, "Sorry for what?" Mae spoke in between her whimpers "I know you always wanted to go to college, Bea-Bea, I-I'm sorry I'm such a pathetic piece of shit." Guilt was rummaging through Mae's veins. Bea was almost on the verge of tears seeing the dark cat break down like this, "Maeday, please, don't say that, it wasn't your fault"

"I don't deserve you. Why do you keep me around? Why don't you abandon me like I abandoned you? Make this easy for me." Mae released years-worth of pain as she pushed herself from Bea's embrace, deeming herself unworthy, and put her paws to her head. "What?" Bea didn't get what Mae meant by that but it was promptly explained, "I abandoned you when you needed me the most. I left you to suffer your mom passing away by yourself, you handling the pickaxe by yourself. You've been through so much alone and I'm sorry. God, Bea, I’m sorryimsorryimsorryimsorry..."

"Maeday, none of that will ever be on you." Mae ignored that, firmly believing she was a revolting person. She lifted her head and stared out across the lake. 

"I don't deserve Gregg and Angus either! I almost ruined their relationship because I never bother to consider others; I'm such a selfish asshole." She kept ranting on and Bea, for once, was lost for words.

"I don't deserve the life I've been given either. They keep telling me they kept trying for a child but they would always miscarriage. They keep saying how it happened over and over. But then they got me. Out of all those miscarriages they got fucking me! Either one of them could’ve led a better life than me. I've ruined their lives too; I’ve probably ruined so many lives. They hate me and I wasted so much money and now were gonna lose the house and it's. All. My. Fault." 

"Jesus. Mae. Mae, you're not thinking strai-" The dark cat stood up, wiping her eyes only for more to cascade over her eyes, and started walking away. Bea followed suit, concern spread across her face, "Where are you going?" Mae started power walking through the snow,

"Home."

Mae bolted out of Bea's sight. "Mae?!" Bea ran for a bit and scanned for Mae.

How the hell was she gone?

"Shitshitshitshitshitshit." Bea didn't want to assume the worst; Mae didn't seem like she would be the person to do _that _but seeing her open up like that Bea couldn't take any chances. None at all.

"Bea what're you doing" Angus emerged from behind the trees

"Where's Mae?" Gregg asked looking around the place.

Bea was only able to stare into the woods. The wind howling louder.


	3. Of Loathe and Love

"What do you mean she's gone?!" Gregg shrieked zipping around the shore, the fox trying to find any dark figure that could resemble Mae. Angus could see everyone was starting to lose their shit and attempted to take some form of control, "Okay, Bea," The teal crocodile threw her fake cigarette into the snow with spite and replaced it with her claw, bitting it with uncertainty.

"So, she said she went home right? So she must be there," Bea, on the other hand, wasn't worried where Mae was, she made it very clear, but rather what she was doing. It was a lot to take in, absorbing all the woes of Mae's life in literal minutes, "God, Angus, she fucking fell apart, right in front of me. She couldn't stop either, no matter what I did." Gregg came in front of Bea reaching for her shoulders "W-W-What did she say, like, did she say anything about 'blaming herself' or something?" Bea rarely saw this serious side of Gregg, slightly taking her by surprise, "Uh, yeah, She kept going on about how she didn't deserve you, Angus, and me."

"Crap," Gregg had only seen Mae plummet like this once before. It was after they graduated and she saw Andy Cullen there. He saw the similarities between the two events, getting a vague idea of what Mae might do: Cry herself to sleep and wake up as if nothing happened or maybe something way worse. Even though she never said, he knew she had the potential to do it, the only difference was back then she wasn’t alone, but now there was nobody supporting her. Nobody at her side.

Gregg shifted away from Bea, trudging back along the stone path, "We gotta go, now!" Bea and Angus quickly accompanied Gregg at his side with conviction, "We might get to her first if we hurry." Angus informed.

Bea kinda already knew that Mae depended on her at times, yet only now did Bea realise how important she was to the cat, how much she actually needed her. How much she needed everyone.

She looked back at the lake, seeing the faint red sun set under the lake, causing it to gently glow.

***

Mae lost all will to command herself, storming through the streets, as she saw everything disintegrate into nothing but **shapes**. Hundreds of objects and people were all melting into shapes within seconds. With her sight blinded by blistering tears, she barely could make out where she was, but she saw sets of large brown rectangles rising from the ground. She guessed it was a fence. She reached for the top of it, meekly pulling herself over and tumbling over onto the ground with a heavy thud, "Ow, fu-hu-hu-huck" She stayed on the ground, wallowing in her anguish, her tears streaming onto the cold dirt.

The pain was good though and she wanted it to hurt. At least it meant she was something. She hauled her aching body off the dirt with a harrowing grunt and crawled until she was finally able to stand up again, slowly making her way back past what she thought was Underhill, pure anxiety coursing within her as she saw nothing but shapes amongst the unknown. She couldn't recognise anything. She saw a bunch of shapes walk towards her, flinching when they made contact with her. "Woah, Mae, you look like crap, you okay?" She knew the voice at least, it was Selmers'. Mae, however, was only capable of blubbering like an idiot. She shoved the shapes aside and continued down the hill, her red eyes burning intensely.

She was so drained of any kind of desire to do anything. She's had enough of being like this; broken, absolutely and utterly broken. She was ultimately beginning to believe she was totally unfixable or beyond any kind of help now. But she wanted all of it to stop. She just wanted it to stop. To end. There was a red star above one of the houses and she knew only one family who had that red star. The family she ruined. She stumbled towards the door, pushing it with one paw and letting it swing behind her, leaving it partially open. The shapes began to recede among the familiarity of her home, seeping back into which they grew out from.

She looked around her home, where she grew up, taking it all in. Breathing in the smell of her home. People say they love the smell of 'home' but all she could only feel defeated. She travelled up the stairs, stopping to see that photo again. She brought it down and held it in front of her face, focusing deeply on the meaningless image, her eyes void and full of despair as she wrapped her arms around it and bawled into the frame, not wanting to let go of the only happy moments of her life worth remembering.

She carried the frame to her room and settled the frame on her futon, taking another look as if she might never see it again. Every passing second for Mae was this agonising pain accumulating in a smouldering pile of ash at the bottom of her heart. The pain pulsed harder and harder, her brain feeling a strong pressure as if it would collapse at any second. A single spark flickered within her, igniting this sudden fit of rage, her paws shaking furiously. She launched herself at her closet ransacking it for one specific item, clearing various items of junk out of the way, vigorously throwing things aside. She pulled and wielded a long, hefty bat and aimed her eyes on the first thing she caught her eye on.

She grasped the bat tighter in her paws, transferring her frenzied anger into the wood as she lifted the bat into the air and swung it down onto her pink bass again and again, screaming with a fierce furry, "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" Every hit with the bat in time with her words. She'd never felt so angry in her entire life. All her trauma was bubbling down into this one occasion. She quickly spun and heaved the bat across the room with deafening yell, snapping the wood cleanly in half, causing large splinters of wood to erupt from her wall. The bat was the only thing she saw now.

"No..."

Her eyes went wide, breathing heavy, as she stood there unable to accept that she lashed out. Like back at the softball game. She pulled on her ears and scratched down her face in utter shame, embarrassment and disappointment; abusing herself in a fit of self-inflicted justice.

"Shit. No. No! Not again! Not again, fuck!"

Mae reduced herself into the floor, expending all her energy, having enough to softly weep. She was so lost. This situation all too familiar to her. She had done it again. More proof that there was no possible way back for her. She had no clue what to do now. "Nononononono, I tried to- I-I-I didn't mean- I-I can't. I can't." Mae fumbled her words through her bawling, trying to come up with excuses, but she was damn well aware that she deserved no such thing. Remorse, guilt and hatred kept scurrying in her, digging deeper to empty her soul. How long would it be before she hurts her friends? Or her family? She wouldn't be able to live with herself. As if she's able to live with herself now. One thing lingered on in her consciousness.

This had to end.

Mae recalled what the 'black goat' said back in the mine, all those months ago. The dark cat thought she finally figured out what it meant; it wasn't a direct message but more of a feeling. This feeling she's sensed constantly since she first snapped. Where there was uncertainty, she felt resolved.

_This wont stop, until I die._ Her own words ringed with no remorse. It meant that she couldn't hurt anyone anymore. She couldn't destroy any of her friends or family's lives anymore. She just wished that they would forget about her and find themselves a better friend that she could only ever hope to be. She thought about all the time she spent with them. All the laughs, the more emotional moments, all of her memories.

God, she was stuck in the past. It's these moments where she would think everything would fit just right and turn out okay in the end ... if only it could just be like that forever. But she damn well knew that nothing, no mattered how much she wanted, can last forever.

Despite all that, the thought of the final absence of everything soothed her, not having to worry about her 'issue', if she was being the useless thing she was. It resolved her. It had to.

She couldn't allow herself to have any hesitation ... Except, something deep within her throbbing heart forbid her.

She paid little to no attention to it.

All that was required of her was to get up and finish it. No second chances.

Her ear twitched upon hearing vague rustling from downstairs.

***

"Goddamnit, how did I let this happen? Aaaaagh, shit!" The three made it back to the apartment building and Bea rushed ahead of the two lovers with such a powerful determination in her movement, "My God! Hurry up you two!" Gregg and Angus were panting, excruciating aching twisting their lungs, "Were - going - as - fast - as - we - can." Gregg decided to care for his boyfriend real quick, "Don't you have your inhaler?" Angus quickly shook the inhaler, confirming to Gregg that he did, before squeezing the small item hearing a small whoosh of air, before running after Bea.

Gregg couldn't believe how abrupt this all had been. He was just having 'sexy times' with Angus and now Mae was ... in actual serious danger this time. The orange fox also saw the eyes of the teal crocodile wide open, apprehensive with dread, which somehow frightened Gregg even more. He'd never seen Bea act so terrified or animated, which truly put into his perspective how horrible and genuinely dreadful this was. This wasn't one of those 'Mae' moments, when it’s some one-off they can forget about the day after. This was real and it was actually happening. Gregg would never have assumed that Mae would be the type of person to ever think about endin-

No, no, no maybe Bea was exaggerating it all; overreacting? "Um, you sure Mae's really gonna, uh, you know?" Gregg hollered at Bea, hoping that she would consider what she saw, "I don't fucking care, Gregg! I'm not risking that chance because I'm 'not sure'. I'm going to be there for her regardless!" There was a such a spitefulness seething from her concerned voice, provoking Gregg to pick up his pace down the street, no doubt now that nothing was more important. God, he wanted her to be okay.

“Hey, you friends of Mae, right?” Gregg delivered his attention to the bear beside him, “Yes, but I don’t have the time right now, so please.” Gregg began to run in order to catch up to the others, dismissing the random bear with an irritated wave of his hand. But the bear came up beside him again, “Kay, but is she fine? She came down here, ‘few minutes ago, looked real bad.”

”Did she go home?”

”Dunno, think so, wait, is she alright? What’s goin’ on?” Confusion and worry emitted from the bear’s face, the same face all four of them shared. Gregg realised he had fallen behind considerably far, “Alright, thanks for the help.” The fox’s speech was erratic getting impatient from the slight delay, leaving the girl in his tracks.

"There! The door's open," Bea scrambled up the rotting porch, slamming the door so that it hit the side of the homely wall. It felt rude to barge into such an inviting house, but, frankly, she didn't give a damn. Gregg and Angus flooded in from behind her quickly surveying the kitchen and living room. Bea made her way up the stairs as she heard Angus announce, "Not here!" Bea managed to notice a large empty space amongst the picture frames on her way up. Mae appeared content in these, yet they didn't feel real. Bea was so sorry for the dark cat; seemed she never got to sincerely enjoy a moment in life.

She reset her mind on what was necessary: Mae.

Bea burst into the attic catching sigh of nothing except a split bat stuck in the wall and her pink bass smashed to tiny bits. But no Mae. Another dull wooden door, however, produced a small glimmer of light to the side of the room. Bea practically kicked the door with her thick boot and unveiled a sight that shattered her soul.

The dark cat was inside the bath, chugging down something that sure didn't look like it was meant to be drunk so mercilessly.

"Mae, stop!" Bea threw herself towards Mae, trying to yank the bottle from her hand, being met with a ferocious resistance, "No! Don't touch me! Just let me Bea, please. I have to!" Bea finally removed the bottle from Mae's tenacious grasp with a strong tug, "What? No, no, you don't! Oh, Jesus." Bea fell to her knees as she lifted the cat out the white enclosure, bringing her up against her chest, putting her arms underneath her armpits, cradling her tightly, "Oh my God, I thought I was gonna lose you too," Bea drew out a shaken breath, satisfied with holding the fragile cat under her. Mae sniffled, "Please don't look at me." She felt as if beams of loathing were being fired onto her, crushing her.

"Shh Mae, it's okay, it's okay."

Mae's red eyes pressed shut, barring her teeth in pain, "I hate it when everyone looks at me like I'm some sort of maniac. They always do," Mae's eyes began to sting, tears rushing from them once more, "Just look at me and at least think I'm normal. I need this from you, please..."

"Mae, you're normal, trust me, Okay?"

"God, It hurts Bea. You have no idea how much it hurts..."

"I know, I know it does Mae, but you have to believe me that I will never view you as a maniac."

Mae was so detached from reality, overlooking Bea's comforting words, "I don't wanna hurt you, Bea; I can't let that to happen to you or anyone else. I'm doing everyone in this trash town a favour."

A heavy weight began to grow in Bea's throat as she spoke, trying, in despair, to convince the destroyed cat otherwise, "That's not true, Mae. Please! Do you know how much you mean to me? God, you mean the God's honest world to me! You can't do this to yourself, or Gregg, or Angus, your parents, or me, please. We all care for you deeply, don't ever, for a second, ever think otherwise." Bea rested her head against Mae's, "I don't know what we would do without you ... I don't know what I'd do without you."

Mae listened to the soothing voice of her friend, gathering the courage to lift the dark screens from her eyes, seeing Bea with the most heartfelt pained look on her face. She decided to shut up and cherish this moment with the crocodile, gingerly committing to wrap her arms around Bea, instantly finding a bit of solace when she did. Bea never failed to make the dark cat feel her affection, but she refused to accept it. But, goddamn, there were such honest tender emotions radiating from her.

"Goddamnit, Mae, I love you, so damn much. I never want to lose you. Don't ever do that to me." Mae was purely astonished, totally unsure if she actually meant it or not. Confusion wrapped her mind forcing Mae's only reply to latch onto her tighter, to which, was returned by the teal crocodile. She didn't understand. She'd caused everyone she knew some form of misery yet here Bea was, declaring an undying support for her. She didn't get it, they would still be better of without her.

"Oh thank God! You alright?"

"Mae! Bea!"

Gregg and Angus panicked in unison, immediately kneeling down. Mae swivelled her head and saw the fox and bear also with the same, exact look as Bea. She could only stare at them, her eyes commanding to water upon the sight of them. "...Fuck, I'm such an idiot." Both of them encompassed both Mae and Bea, completing their circle. "No you're not dude, why would you say that?" Gregg questioned, his heart breaking.

"Because I am Gregg! Ugh, I'm so stupid." Her voice was disjointed and weak.

"C'mon, Mae, you're not. Don't put yourself down like that." Angus remarked, all of them remaining like this generating a potent aura, collectively making the damaged cat feel ... safer? 

Bea looked down on Mae one more time, ascending her claw to slowly caress her chin. She elevated her head so that she looked up at the crocodile. "I care about you, Maeday, no matter what happens, We all do." Mae rose up to Bea's long but elegant snout, nuzzling it, wanting to get closer to the crocodile.

"Aww, you're gonna make me cry, guys." Gregg whimpered.

Angus smiled at the sentiment "Clearly, clearly we all care about you Mae."

Mae finally spoke up, "I'm - I'm not sure if everything's gonna be okay with me, but thanks guys."

Gregg released his thoughts, "Mae, we've been friends since ever. We've been through worst, right? We'll get through this together, Mae. I'll make sure of it."

Bea, much to the displeasure of the dark cat, pulled away from her, "You think you're okay to get up?" She questioned gently. Mae hesitantly nodded, guided by Bea's claw out of the bathroom and onto the futon, Gregg and Angus closing the room off trailing their steps, the bear taking the time to find the key to lock it and store it in his pocket. The room was dimly lit by the only lamp in the room, as the winter night set in early. Bea reached down her leg and untied her boots leaving them neatly by Mae's futon whilst she removed her jacket and jeans, only left in the basic layers.

"What're you doing?" Gregg flatly questioned.

"Well I sure as hell am not leaving anytime soon. Im gonna stay with Mae; keep her company." Mae didn't object to this yet she did feel kinda uncomfortable, "Oh, good idea, but where would we sleep? What about your parents?" Gregg asked.

"You guys can sleep on the couch downstairs if you want? Not sure if you'll fit though. I understand if you wanna go home." Mae offered but Gregg was certain that now was not the time to leave her, opting to bare one night for her, "No problem, eh Cap'n?"

"No problem." Angus promptly agreed.

"I'll talk to Mae's parents when I get around to it." Bea announced.

The orange fox walked up to the dark cat delivering another compassionate hug, "Hey, you okay?"

The dark cat gave another sniffle, fighting back another wave of tears, "Shhh dude. I know things are tough and I don't know what it must be like for you, but you'll pull through, right? You always do." The fox's warm smile was mirrored on Mae's face, wiping her eyes, "Night dude," Gregg got up, replaced by Angus who came down to her level, "It's gonna be fine Mae, don't you worry about a thing." And another hug was given to the small cat, "Thanks, big guy." Mae sniffled again as Angus led Gregg and himself out the room, leaving only the crocodile left with Mae.

"Scootch over." Bea sat herself down next to Mae, sighing before she placed her paw on her thigh and put her own claw over Mae's paw, "You sure you're okay now?"

"Yeah ... No? I guess not." Mae was fully burned out with no energy left. Bea reached for Mae's jacket, removing it with caution and tossing it aside. She then slipped her boots off as she left them next to her own black boots. Mae was humoured by the way she was acting like a mother. Bea hoisted the bed sheets over themselves, accompanying Mae into the bed, basically tucking her in, laying next to her "How about now?" Mae's stomach fluttered, realising how soothing her voice was, filling her with, for once, happiness. "Um, Bea?" The crocodile hummed to signal that Mae had her attention, "Did you mean what you said about me? That you, uh, loved me?" Bea was swift to answer, "Yeah, I did."

Mae was thoroughly shocked, "I thought you were straight?"

Bea sighed, "I am, but you're the only person I'd say I've ever loved, like, the only person I'd do absolutely anything for, and I genuinely would. Never felt that with anybody else." Mae's breath staggered, sucking in a sob, "Sure, I may have appreciated the looks of other guys but there's something different about you, and I love that." It took Mae a while to process this, processing by launching another wave of tears as she sharply breathed in a sob, "I-I love you, too, Bea-Bea."

"Shhh Mae, just relax and sleep." Mae turned over onto her opposite side, facing Bea head on, booping her own nose onto Bea's. Bea opened her eyes, securing Mae into a intimate embrace. Mae's red eyes wondered the crocodile's own maroon eyes. The cat, slowly, brought her short muzzle closer to Bea's, managing to meet in the middle as they lightly pressed each other's lips, unsure if it was a friendly kiss or if it meant something more. They had time to decide tomorrow.

"Wow." Mae was awestruck with her mouth hanging open as they parted. She sincerely couldn't believe she kissed her childhood friend she'd always liked. This shit only happened in stories or something. 

Bea beamed at the cat's adorable reaction, "It's gonna be okay Maeday," She repeated, "See you in the morning. And please don't wander off again." She stroked Mae's head warmly as she drifted off to sleep. Attaching herself by entwining her legs with the crocodiles, Mae felt a pure tranquility in the moment only desiring to sleep and wake up with Bea right next to her. However, she doesn't think she will ever shake these thoughts completely. Somewhere in the depths of her complex mind, something was screaming that she should've been floating into the abyss. But having Bea at her side, silenced that fatal song. As long as Bea was stuck with her, she felt she could hold onto anything and comfortably say that maybe, just maybe, things can turn out okay in her life. Her consciousness steadily faded into a blissful sleep awaiting for her on the other side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To everyone who click on this work. To everyone who bothered to read my work. To everyone who bothered to click 'kudos'. Thank you, so much. I'm humbled that you thought my work was worth the time. 
> 
> -EcR-


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